«[Listen to the way she talks up, and down, Angelina Jolie:] I think the work she does for the ambassador to the U.N. is fantastic, ... 'Cause let me tell you something: I don't want to go to the Sudan. You know, from what I've seen on television, I don't want to go anywhere near the Congo. And she's going there, picking kids up, left and right, god love her. But she's also ridiculous, alright? You know, she's got the lips that look like an inflamed anus. Alright, I know that's sexy to a lot of guys. But have you ever had a haemorrhoid? 'Cause that's what it looks like.»

«What I would really love is to be on a sitcom again, ... Everybody talks about Desperate Housewives - that's one show, and they're all gorgeous. But where's the Roseanne ? Where's the real women who are funny? That's where I come in.»

«KATHY GRIFFIN: MY LIFE ON THE D-LIST ... To Kathy Griffin. Warmest wishes, Renee Zellweger.»

«And you can't exhale,»

«Put your eyebrows on the night stand and hang up the phone. He has lady eyebrows; pretty, drag-queen eyebrows. Enough with the tweezing.»

«Chris Rock doesn't do that, ... They're paying me my normal rate like I was doing a theater or college. So I'm there. Me in someone's living room.»

«[We] are working on it. He will be a part of my Bravo show next season.»

«We're so used to seeing celebrities being driven around in limos. I can go to an In-N-Out Burger whenever I want, and no one takes my picture.»

«This is when Casper Van Dien gets to have his moment in the sun.»

«And Don Cheadle and Andy Garcia are just sitting there. They are the real meat and bones of that cast. Julia keeps going on about how they are all good friends, and Don says something about his kids. She goes, 'I didn't know you had kids.' That tells you something. Good friends, sure.»